Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
