Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
