oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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