She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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