i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
