I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
