I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
