they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
