So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
