the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
