I wish my penis had an off switch
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
