Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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