a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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