why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
