i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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