That's intense
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
