he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
