so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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