I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
