I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
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Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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