god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I could fuck to npr.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
