He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
