theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
