i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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