remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
