I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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