I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i came on her dog
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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