Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
