I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We got so high we made milksteak
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
