Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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