Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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