My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
