you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just had sex on a roof
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
