So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
