I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
