the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
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