I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
