Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
