i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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