I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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