"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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