There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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