I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
