He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
