My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
