If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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