I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
