Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
