Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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