i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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