its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
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He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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