The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
