I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Sorry about my life...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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