The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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