someone get that fucking seahorse.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
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How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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