You're my little dorito
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
