You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
