I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
