My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Operation Purity has been aborted
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
