Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
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and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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