my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
